It's going OK.
I have not even been here in a while.

I was reading my last post and finding it incredibly ironic.

The day after I posted my life as I knew it fell apart.
I am not going to expound on what happened but suffice it to say that it was a VERY difficult holiday season.

The good part is...I am in a position to change my life for the better.
Get closer to God
Get closer to Derek
Get closer to my kids
Get closer to my friends

I posted this on my church forum the other day:

OK, I have talked to a few people and here is where I am at...

It is time for me to learn to be a little girl and to love God as my Father.
Because of my life's circumstances I was never truly able to be a little girl.
For the same reasons I don't have many childhood memories.

Some of the ones that remain though are of lying in bed at night and not being able to sleep because my room was full of "people". I would hear them all talking at once, many different conversations getting louder and louder until they all melded into one incredibly loud, screaming, tinny voice yelling my name. Over and over and over. It was terrifying and I was usually paralyzed with fear. This happened often.

Other things I remember are seeing lights floating around outside my bedroom window that had no logical reason for being there and just praying that they would not come in. Sometimes I would see faces in my window. Sometimes I would see horrible visions if I tried to close my eyes and go to sleep. Things like my mother's face screaming and covered with blood.

There were things that happened in "real life" as well. My stepfather sexually abused me for years. I spent a lot of my night time fighting with this spiritual stuff and trying to have superhuman hearing so I could hear if he was coming to my room and try to think of a way to avoid him. (I am remembering stuff as I type, weird.) I also developed a dependence on books, I still cannot sleep at night unless I read until I am too tired to see the words. There was a point before I discovered drugs that I read so much I could not easily tell the difference between books and real life. I remember one night where I read 20 Sweet Valley High books in one night. (Yes, you can teach yourself to speed read.)

I am not sure how long these things continued. I think it was until I was in my late teens and diagnosed with clinical depression because I had been crying for pretty much 3 months straight. They put me on Prozac and everything went away. I have had maybe 2 or 3 very minimal incidents since then.

Side note: I was not raised in a Christian home but I remember as a preteen and teenager wandering the streets at night singing Jesus Loves Me to myself when I was feeling "hunted".

I believe that because of where I am at right now emotionally and spiritually Satan is trying to reclaim whatever stake he had in me as a child. He is trying to make me feel crazy and alone and hopeless. His other recent attacks have not killed me so He is trying to make me feel like I did then in order to get me to be disobedient and stand up with my sword and my cape and fight.

In response I say this...

It is my time to be a child.
It is not my time to fight.
I WILL NOT pick up my sword and/or cape right now.
I will allow the people around me to fight for me while I rest with God.
I will continue down the path God has set before me and learn to be His daughter.

If you see me deviate from this please help me get back on track.

So, that is where I am at right now.
Down a crappy road but ending up in a pretty good place.

If you think of me toss up a prayer, prayer is always good.

i pray for you guys often. I have plenty of good childhood memories... want to borrow some?

Will be praying for you love ya
Leanne